How much of what you believe about your self-worth is a direct result of what someone else told you about who you are?
Giving too much credence to other people’s opinions of you can chip away at your self-esteem. So, you feel great when other people approve of you and your decisions. But your self-worth plummets when they disapprove of you and your choices.
You will never have what you truly want in life until you stop giving a crap about what people think about you. Because what matters the most is what YOU think about yourself. What matters the most what YOU think about yourself. I’m speaking from experience.
There are times when we need to seek the opinion of others.
Choosing the right people to solicit an opinion is critical. For example, I am a solo female international traveler. There are a lot of people who have told me traveling alone as a woman is too dangerous. That sounds reasonable enough. How could that be damaging to my self-esteem? Because I could choose to hear that as, “you are not smart enough to recognize danger.” Or, “you not capable enough to handle it alone.” Accepting those opinions as truths could magnify little fears I have in myself, chipping away at my self-esteem until the fears become more significant than my courage. Without courage, I wouldn’t step out of my comfort zone, and ultimately my self-esteem would take a hit.
Understand where opinions come from and how they impact your self-esteem.
First of all, the majority of the people who give me that opinion that traveling alone as a woman is too dangerous have not ever been out of the United States. Second, none of them have ever traveled solo. So, they have no idea what they are talking about. They may have formed that opinion based on a story that was sensationalized in the media, their opinions come from the cheap seats. Tieing your self-worth to opinions of people from the cheap seats will take you down every time.
Don’t tie your self-esteem to opinions from the cheap seats.
Brené Brown talks about listening to people from the cheap seats in her Netflix special, The Call to Courage. If you haven’t watched it, you should. As discussed by Brené, there are a lot of cheap seats in the world, filled with people who hurl opinions at people in the arena.
Those in the arena are the ones who step out in courage and go for it. People in the arena understand their worth, their sense of self-worth gives them energy and drive. But people in the cheap seats don’t have courage. They lack self-esteem and often feel threatened by people who value their own worth.
Brené warns not to pick up the opinions of people from the cheap seats, and especially not to hold those opinions close to your heart. She advises you to step over the opinions and keep going.
My strategy to keep opinions from the cheap seats from impacting my self-esteem.
I have devised a strategy to help me step over the opinions of those in the cheap seats. I allow their opinions to fall into a bucket I call, cheap seat chatter. So, in other words, I simply let the opinions go in the trash where they belong.
Sometimes cheap seat chatter is more direct than telling me international travel as a solo female is too dangerous. There are people in the cheap seats who know enough about your life to take some pretty direct shots when they hurl a negative opinion at you. And when that opinion validates some internal doubt or insecurity it can send you into a spiral.
To combat this you have to not only let the opinions fall into the cheap seat chatter bucket, but you also have to do the work to improve your self-esteem. Because the more you learn to master your own esteem the easier it becomes to recognize who is sitting in the cheap seats and who is in the arena with you. How do you work on self-esteem?
10 ideas for building your self-esteem:
1. LIST YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
It does not matter how big or how small the accomplishments, just make a list. Add to it as you accomplish new things. Review the list when you need a reminder of what you do well. Because this is like making a deposit into your account of self-esteem.
2. USE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS TO HELP YOU CREATE POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS.
Let your accomplishments push you to affirm you can do more. Make those affirmations part of your life in as many ways as possible. This is incredibly effective for improving self-esteem.
3. GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
Confidence is built outside of your comfort zone. If you get comfortable in a new zone, get out of it, keep moving outside of comfort. If the arena is outside of your comfort zone then you definitely work toward stepping onto that field. Because the people in the arena can support you to increase your sense of self, building your self-esteem.
4. HELP SOMEONE.
Use your skills, talents, and ability to give direct assistance to someone. Don’t just offer to help or give an opinion. Put yourself out there. Because this is a form of being in the arena.
5. READ SOMETHING INSPIRATIONAL.
Fill your mind with healthier concepts than cheap seat chatter. Check out our Pinterest board, Books for Betterment, for some book ideas. There is a lot of written material out there about self-esteem.
6. WELCOME FAILURE AS A PART OF GROWTH.
Getting knocked off your feet is just another opportunity to build resilience. Consider the ideas in HOW TO GET UP FROM A FALL, LIVING LIFE WITH RESILIENCE.
7. BECOME A PERPETUAL LEARNER.
Learning builds confidence. We have incredible access to education. Capitalize on how easy it is to educate yourself, and never stop learning.
8. HEAL YOUR PAST.
If you cannot work through it on your own, seek out counseling. There is no shame in seeking help. If you can do it on your own, then do it. But learn from it, heal, then grow.
9. CHANGE YOUR STORY.
Change the narrative replaying in your head. Self-talk is powerful. Use it for good, not for destruction. Because you have direct control over your loop of self-talk. Check out SELF-TALK SELF-CHECK, HOW TO GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
10. REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.
Learn to differentiate your circumstances from who you are. You are NOT your circumstances.
You work to build self-esteem, make sure you protect it.
As you do the work to build your self-esteem, allow yourself to become protective of your effort. Don’t give away the power over your self-esteem, to anyone. It’s yours and yours alone to manage. Managing it well is crucial to living the life you truly want.